Exhausted.

I am beyond exhausted today. From Bobo teething and being cranky, hardly sleeping, and I just feel like there are not enough hours in a day anymore. 

Need to stop watching TV at night.

As I type this I am falling asleep. I was watching something last night on the Discovery Channel about Mermaids and finding the body of one. I could not stop watching it. Don't you hate it when you are so tired and you want to sleep but then something good comes on TV and ruins everything? I mean this is why I don't have a TV in my room but I do have the iPad and it has TV on it so I can watch it. Yet it never fails right when I am about to sleep BOOM! a show that is really interesting catches me. I know put the iPad away or something. I can't its like another gadget I am addicted to a lot of people have the same problem! I am not alone in this right? Tell me I am right so I don't feel like I am a loner. I swear electronics take over everything now a days. Well thats life I guess everything is dependent on electronics.

*****

My little monster a couple days old.

My sons birthday is coming up quickly. 10 days. I can't believe he is going to be two years old already. I can remember when he was born he was so small now he is huge and talking! Now I have a child in his terrible two stage where he screams and goes crazy for every little thing. Now I am a very patient person. I can handle a lot but screaming all day hurts my ears and I get frustrated when he is frustrated because I don't know what he wants and he can't tell me what he wants yet. 

His first birthday.

Oh did I say I was still nursing? Yes I am still breastfeeding and plan to keep on doing so. If you have something to say about that go for it I have heard it all and this is my choice. He is my last child so I am going to keep doing this. Thats probably another reason he is clingy to me. I don't mind clingy but I would love to be able to shower on my own in piece without a hand under the door or knocking with "MOMMYYYYYY BOOB" at every second of my shower. I have to say though Bobo is an awesome eater. He amazes me because my daughter was a horrible eater. She was super picky. Well I mean he won't eat meat but hey he eats his vegetables! 

*****

Focus on the steaks in the background. Stare and dream of the steak. I sure do.

By the way this was in Vegas thats my Aunt Alona with me.

I have lost 0.5lbs from yesterday. I have to say I am surprised I had a bit of craziness at night with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I need to get this damn junk the hell away from me. If I know its in the house I will eat it. So my pact now is to not buy any sweets or junk AT ALL from now on. Well except for my sons birthday party. I just won't eat the crap. Anyways I haven't exercised because its so damn hot outside and my "monthly friend" has joined me after 3 years so I feel like a complete B*TCH. For any male readers I have I am sorry but I am a woman and I deal with these things. Shall I get it out of your system now? Menstruation, vagina, breasts, and I don't know what else. There now thats done right? Back to business. Since my "monthly friend" all I want is sweets or salty food that I should not be eating. Plus the feeling is just a miserable one that I don't miss at all. Cramps are not my friend. Seriously I feel like I have food poisoning or I am in a punching battle with my woman parts. By the way my woman parts are winning this battle and my Motrin is losing by the minute. 

*****

This isn't a secret. Then again some of you might not know me. I LOVE DISNEY.

Spending Christmas at Disneyland this year with my mom and the kids. I love Disney so much. Why? It makes me feel like a kid and I have always gone to Disney ever since I was little its like a comfort zone for me. The picture above was at Disney California before World of Color started. I try to go to Disneyland at least once a year. I can't wait for Christmas this year.

With my cousins on California Screamin' I swear we rode that like 5 times.

We kept posing the whole ride in able to get a good picture. 

*****

This girl is on summer break now.

I feel like I don't have enough things for her to do in a day. She gets so BORED. 

I guess that means I need to give her homework to keep her busy! 

She has been so wonderful with her brother though!

*****

Well thats the end of this post for now. I am surprised I wrote so much!

Is anyone reading this?

Deanna

Healthy Cheese Stuffed Burger

A healthy cheese stuffed burger? WHAT????

Yes it is true because you use lean beef and fat free cheese!

You will need:

1lb of lean ground beef

1 tbsp garlic powder

1 tbsp black pepper

2 tbsp worcestershire sauce

1 finely chopped onion

Fat Free Sliced Cheese chopped

Bread, lettuce, and sliced onions.

Marinate the beef with the garlic powder, black pepper, worcestershire sauce, and chopped onions. Form into patties. Then stuff with the chopped cheese.

I did use a burger mold to make same size burgers every time.

Roll and form into a meatball then pat flat and add cheese bits on top.

(I made some jalapeno ones too!)

Set on a tray that has slits to have the oil drip away from the burgers.

Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes for a well done burger 25 minutes for medium well.

Then load up with your favorite toppings and enjoy!!!!!

Deanna Tan

Weight Loss Struggle and Pain

This is me at 200lbs.

At my highest I reached 200lbs. I did not look like I was 200lbs. No one believed me. This was actually a long time ago an old picture. I avoided taking pictures because of this. I always lied about my weight. 

I don't lie about my weight anymore. I realized it was lying to myself that I needed to get healthy. My kids need me for a long time.

Lets rewind and go back in time. When I was in high school I would binge eat then throw up. Sometimes I just would not eat at all. Surprisingly I am sharing this. I can't hide what I have done in my past. At my lowest I was 125 pounds. This is not the way to lose weight people. I am telling you it was the worst feeling in the world to do this to myself. I felt that I needed to be thinner because of what I saw on TV and magazines. I thought that if I could be skinny I would be so happy. Turned out that I was miserable because I couldn't stop doing this to myself. Great now I am crying and typing this. The whole time I did this I TOLD NOONE! I only told a couple people recently. So I know it will be a battle because I will always have those thoughts in my mind. "I can just eat this then throw it up", "I don't need to eat today", "I don't have to eat breakfast and lunch", and I know this is so hard to type for me because I am ashamed. People always say "Love yourself for who you are and not what you look like" but honestly who really thinks that deep down? I am being honest I do love myself for who I am but I want to love myself for what I look like too. I see so many skinny people and get jealous. Then again I got myself into this position. I need to get myself out.

As a teenager I had depression and I know that influenced my eating disorder. Then my medicine made me gain weight. I couldn't believe it and I would stop taking my medicine and get more depressed. I hit a low point and tried to commit suicide not just for my weight but other things in my life. I did not succeed. Then I found a new thing called "cutting". My scars have all faded now. Teachers used to ask me what happened and I would always lie. Family would ask and I would lie. I remember that one time I got so upset I tried to cut myself but I couldn't find anything so I used a end of a plastic paintbrush that was kind of sharp and tried to do it but my Uncle D found me and got so upset. Yet that didn't stop me from doing it. I wanted to do it more then ever. I would cut my stomach, thighs, wrists, and arms. I finally stopped after going to therapy for a few weeks. Then I got diagnosed with ADHD. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. So I gave up and just dealt with it. I did poorly in school and decided to get my GED. I was nominated Top Student, Who's Who Among High School Students, and United States Achievement Academy before all this. I am even in books that I still have. That was all gone. All because I didn't want to take my depression medication and that I did not know how to handle stress. 

So for anyone reading this going through what I just wrote please get help don't suffer please.

This is me at my lowest. You can tell in my face that I was really thin. Oh and thats my cousin DJ when he was a baby adorable right????

Here I am now at 182.5lbs working my ASS off to get to 140lbs. I have another 43lbs to lose but I am determined to lose it all. It is so hard for me to get this weight off. I already lost a great deal. Then I gained a few due to my monthly friend that suddenly appeared after 3 years a few days ago. I did not miss this. So I am trying even harder to get rid of all this weight now. 

So people out there trying to lose weight do not skip a meal thinking it will help.

Do not drink your calories.

Eat fresh foods and vegetable and if you can't afford it remember frozen is the next best thing.

Its not going to be easy for me to get to where I want to be. You are all following me on this tough journey. I hope to help and inspire any of you out there doing what I am doing and trying to get healthy and lose weight.

Thanks for reading.

Deanna Tan

Frustrations.

Me and my kids.

I know I am not alone on being a single mom, student, and all that.  I have to say though honestly I am seriously overwhelmed.  This blog is going to take you into my life.

So let me tell you about ME.

My name is Deanna. I am a single mother to two wonderful and amazing children. My daughter Lina is 6 years old going on 7 years this year. She is a top student and is a very patient sister. My son Raizo (Bobo) is going to be 2 in 11 days! He is very energetic, stubborn, and is a self influenced Pescetarian. He has never liked eating meat. Every now and then he will eat it but it won't stay down. The only thing that seems to stay down is SPAM. LOL yes we are spam lovers in this house. 

This picture sums up my kids perfectly. A crazy, wild, energetic boy and a calm, patient, and subdued girl.

Back to explaining me. I am 26 years old and on a weight loss journey that is having its ups and downs. I will be posting about that here as well. I make YouTube videos as well about everything actually. I haven't been making many recently since school started. I am a latecomer but I realized that I need a good job to support my kids. I am caring, loving, and sometimes a bit weird.

My first 5K with my aunt. It was AMAZING.

I have a crazy addiction to my iPhone, music, and strangely exercising. I hate smoking, drinking, or any of that nasty stuff. I do cook with wine though so whatever. I don't hate people that do it but its just my lifestyle choice so don't get offended. I really really love to cook. I cook anything I can possibly try.

My grilled chicken and quinoa salad.

I am on a mission to grow my hair out to my hip. I have always liked my hair long but once in a while I break that and cut my hair short! I love my makeup with a passion that I know a lot of girls and women share with me. 

One of my makeup looks.

I love animals. Going to the zoo for me is like a child in a candy store. I remember as a child I wanted to be a veterinarian. That thought has long passed when I realized I couldn't see animals suffering. I still hold a heart for all animals out there.

This is Roko he is my mini weenie.

I am going to college to be a Nurse. I am a latecomer for school. I should have thought about this a long time ago but my head was somewhere else and I was so into going out and having fun rather then school (DON'T DO THAT PEOPLE FOCUS ON YOUR EDUCATION).

My most recent midterm was so hard. I got 100% though making A's in all my classes!

I have a big heart and a little family. I love my family so much. In my house its me, my kids, my mom, and of course my dog. In CA is my uncle, aunt, three cousins, and their dog Pogi. My mom is such a strong woman with such determination. I hope to be half of what she is. She loves and cares for me and the kids when I needed her most she was always there. We did have a lot of problems. Then I realized I was the one that was causing the problems. Now we are closer then ever. The rest of my family is in CA. My Uncle Danny is my father figure in my life. We went through a lot and he has always been there for me. I am so grateful having him in my life. He is a awesome husband and father. My Aunt Alona and I had a rough beginning but now we are close. She is super crafty and she cracks me up. She is an amazing and caring mother. My cousin Yvonne is the oldest child in that house. Well she isn't a child anymore she is in college but I remember her when she was little and her little pigtails. She is athletic and smart. I know she will get far in life. My cousin Daphne is going to be 18 soon. I remember her in pigtails too. She is a anime, makeup, and book lover. She is crazy and hilarious all at the same time. Now for my little cousin DJ. He is a character. I always read about the conversations he has with his parents on Facebook and I can't help but laugh about it. My kids love him so much. I wish they could grow up together. My cousin Geoffrey which is my Uncle's son lives in Europe. I always miss him he is such an amazing cousin. I know we all miss him here.

My big but little family. 

My Uncle D, Aunt Alona, DJ, my Mom, Lina, Daphne, Me, Raizo, Geoffrey, and Yvonne.

So now you know more about me. I won't be sharing all my personal information here just the joys in my life and the frustrations. There are things that will be private that I will not share because that is for my life not the internet. 

Find me:

YouTube: DeannaTanMUA

Instagram: DeannaTanMUA

Twitter: DeannaTanMUA

Facebook: DeannaTanMUA

Deanna Tan