Weight Loss Struggle and Pain

This is me at 200lbs.

At my highest I reached 200lbs. I did not look like I was 200lbs. No one believed me. This was actually a long time ago an old picture. I avoided taking pictures because of this. I always lied about my weight. 

I don't lie about my weight anymore. I realized it was lying to myself that I needed to get healthy. My kids need me for a long time.

Lets rewind and go back in time. When I was in high school I would binge eat then throw up. Sometimes I just would not eat at all. Surprisingly I am sharing this. I can't hide what I have done in my past. At my lowest I was 125 pounds. This is not the way to lose weight people. I am telling you it was the worst feeling in the world to do this to myself. I felt that I needed to be thinner because of what I saw on TV and magazines. I thought that if I could be skinny I would be so happy. Turned out that I was miserable because I couldn't stop doing this to myself. Great now I am crying and typing this. The whole time I did this I TOLD NOONE! I only told a couple people recently. So I know it will be a battle because I will always have those thoughts in my mind. "I can just eat this then throw it up", "I don't need to eat today", "I don't have to eat breakfast and lunch", and I know this is so hard to type for me because I am ashamed. People always say "Love yourself for who you are and not what you look like" but honestly who really thinks that deep down? I am being honest I do love myself for who I am but I want to love myself for what I look like too. I see so many skinny people and get jealous. Then again I got myself into this position. I need to get myself out.

As a teenager I had depression and I know that influenced my eating disorder. Then my medicine made me gain weight. I couldn't believe it and I would stop taking my medicine and get more depressed. I hit a low point and tried to commit suicide not just for my weight but other things in my life. I did not succeed. Then I found a new thing called "cutting". My scars have all faded now. Teachers used to ask me what happened and I would always lie. Family would ask and I would lie. I remember that one time I got so upset I tried to cut myself but I couldn't find anything so I used a end of a plastic paintbrush that was kind of sharp and tried to do it but my Uncle D found me and got so upset. Yet that didn't stop me from doing it. I wanted to do it more then ever. I would cut my stomach, thighs, wrists, and arms. I finally stopped after going to therapy for a few weeks. Then I got diagnosed with ADHD. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. So I gave up and just dealt with it. I did poorly in school and decided to get my GED. I was nominated Top Student, Who's Who Among High School Students, and United States Achievement Academy before all this. I am even in books that I still have. That was all gone. All because I didn't want to take my depression medication and that I did not know how to handle stress. 

So for anyone reading this going through what I just wrote please get help don't suffer please.

This is me at my lowest. You can tell in my face that I was really thin. Oh and thats my cousin DJ when he was a baby adorable right????

Here I am now at 182.5lbs working my ASS off to get to 140lbs. I have another 43lbs to lose but I am determined to lose it all. It is so hard for me to get this weight off. I already lost a great deal. Then I gained a few due to my monthly friend that suddenly appeared after 3 years a few days ago. I did not miss this. So I am trying even harder to get rid of all this weight now. 

So people out there trying to lose weight do not skip a meal thinking it will help.

Do not drink your calories.

Eat fresh foods and vegetable and if you can't afford it remember frozen is the next best thing.

Its not going to be easy for me to get to where I want to be. You are all following me on this tough journey. I hope to help and inspire any of you out there doing what I am doing and trying to get healthy and lose weight.

Thanks for reading.

Deanna Tan